My Jack Amadi

I killed him.

I recall it all so vividly. I hadn’t planned it from the beginning, but when it happened, I wasn’t as remourseful. I just pushed him – I pushed him till he couldn’t stand, couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe…
No, it wasn’t anger- oh, how I wish it was anger- it was agony. He had hurt me. I loved him so much and he hurt me with the same intensity, just colder.

How i miss his arms!
I pushed him off the balcony before he could swing his arms at me. I felt his cold fingers brush my skin, for the last time. It didn’t fill me with content, rather, immense pain. It was unbelievable how my mind that was once filled with dreams could now be filled with so much dread.

Fear. It wasn’t me- it was fear.
I knew he would end up hurting me. I could see it rooted in his eyes, he would hurt me worse than anyone else had done before. He was awaiting my vulnerability. He wanted to prey on me at my weakest: cornered, helpless, feeble. That was his plan all along. He had always been as devious as a devil ought to be. But I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t die. So I killed him.

How could I kill the one I loved? The one who made me happy, gave me everything, protected me, stood by me? How could I kill one who was oh so good-looking, so doting, so warm…
He was going to kill me. He had grazed me before, and soon he would have stabbed me to dust. I had to pick the blade first. I had to. I loved him, but he didn’t – he never did. Oh Jack, my love! Why did you choose me? Why did you run after me when I told you to stop? You knew I would be your ruin but you didn’t halt. You jumped! You said it was a leap of faith, worth taking. Now see! Your faith killed you.

It wasn’t me. It was suicide. I tried to stop him, but he wanted to die.
He wanted to try. He wanted us to work. He wanted to love me. And I did too. I wanted to try. Ignore the insecurities, believe in man, fall in love- I did. But my mind wouldn’t let me. Instead, it was filled with murky thoughts. I saw them all – laughing at me- telling me that he chose me out of ruth, not love. How could he? How could he be like everyone else? Under the witness of the stars, he chose to lie to me.

I didn’t kill him.
I was protecting him, and me. I was being selfish. I loved my man, my Jack Amadi. But I couldn’t let him hurt me. Not again!